Do you feel like pain keeps you in a constant state of fight, flight, or freeze? Like a deer in the headlights, unsure where to go or what to do next? Muscles always tense, stomach always churning?
If so, it’s not your fault. And I want to explain why.
I lived with chronic pain for over 20 years, and as I learned more about how pain actually works, it changed my life. One of the most fascinating pieces was understanding how central the nervous system is to pain, and how much influence we have over it once we understand it.
What Fight, Flight, or Freeze Actually Does
Pain’s purpose is to signal possible danger and push us to escape it or change something. When your body senses danger, it responds with changes designed to get you away from that danger. We call this the fight, flight, or freeze response.
Here’s what happens in that state. Adrenaline makes your heart beat faster. Your breathing becomes faster and more shallow. Your muscles tense so you can run or fight. Your digestion slows, because blood flow gets diverted to the parts of you that need it most in an emergency. You don’t need to digest lunch when you’re running from danger.
Your body is doing all of this to protect you. And normally, when the danger passes and your body senses safety, the nervous system calms down. Your heart rate lowers, your breathing slows, your tight muscles loosen. That’s called the rest and digest response.
This cycle, from fight-or-flight to rest-and-digest, happens over and over throughout our lives as we move through the normal stresses and pains of being human. But what happens when pain is chronic, and the system never gets the signal that it’s safe to stand down?
When the Alarm Never Turns Off
With chronic pain, many of those fight, flight, or freeze responses keep running without ever calming down. Your muscles may stay tight. Your breathing may stay shallow and high in the chest. You might have gut issues.
And because your nervous system doesn’t know it’s time to calm down, it starts creating even more problems. Your muscles and nerves can become more sensitive. You might notice mood swings, fatigue, or trouble sleeping. With the freeze response, you may develop a fear of moving, worried that something else will get hurt. You might even shut down entirely. And more pain comes along with all of it.
So what’s the key? Relaxation. Your rest and digest system exists to tell your body it’s safe to relax. But when your system is caught in near-constant fight or flight and doesn’t know when to switch, you can take the initiative to activate the rest and digest response yourself.
The Goal Isn’t Pain Relief (At First)
Do you feel like you’re stuck in “I have to fix this” mode all the time? I felt constantly stressed by trying to figure out how to fix everything related to my pain.
Here’s the part that surprised me. At this stage, the goal is not to reduce pain or fix anything. The goal is to introduce your nervous system to safety.
This whole journey is never about finding the one fix or the magic pill. It’s about the different pieces of the puzzle. And this piece is training your nervous system to relax. To learn that it’s okay to stand down.
I know what some of you are thinking, because I thought it too. “I’ve tried deep breathing and calming things. It didn’t work. I still had pain.” When I was in extreme pain, if someone had told me to just take some deep breaths, I would have said they were crazy. Not for the kind of pain I had.
But the point isn’t to breathe so the pain disappears immediately. The point is to start the process of teaching your nervous system that it’s okay to calm down.
Dr. Brad Fanestil uses a helpful example about lifting weights. Imagine you want to get stronger, so you lift weights a few times and then say, “This isn’t working, my muscles aren’t stronger yet.” We’d all recognize that as unrealistic, because strength is a process built over time. Calming your nervous system works the same way. It takes time, and it matters, because a fearful nervous system means more pain.
How to Calm Your Nervous System
When we do things that bring us calm and relaxation, the brain releases neurochemicals that can help reduce pain and other symptoms of stress. Again, this works over time, not instantly.
One of the simplest places to start is making a list of the things that calm you. Each of us is different. Is it a warm bath? Sitting outside in nature? Talking to a supportive friend or family member? Going for a walk? Write down the things that genuinely help you feel calmer, and start doing them again. Not to make the pain vanish, but to teach your body that it’s okay to settle right now.
Dr. Beth Darnall, a pain researcher, puts it this way: your actions shape your brain activity and your nervous system. So be intentional about doing the things that bring you support, comfort, and pleasure.
The Power of Slow Belly Breathing
One of the main ways to calm the nervous system is through deep, slow belly breathing.
Here’s something most of us don’t notice: when we feel stress in any form, we often hold our breath. We don’t realize we’re doing it until suddenly we think, “I need to breathe.” But breath-holding actually activates the fight, flight, or freeze response. It tends to increase our sense of danger, our stiffness, our pain, our anxiety, and our fear.
Good, deep breathing does the opposite. Think about Lamaze breathing, used for years to help women through labor. Most people recognize how much it helps with relaxation and pain.
The specific technique I want to focus on is diaphragmatic breathing. Picture a baby breathing: you can usually see their stomach rise and fall. Over time, most of us drift into shallow breathing high in the chest. The goal is to breathe more deeply from the belly instead.
As you inhale, think about expanding your abdomen and widening your rib cage. Then exhale longer than you inhaled. It’s actually the exhale that triggers the relaxation response, so try exhaling slowly through your mouth.
Deep breathing like this is a great way to stimulate the vagus nerve, the primary nerve involved in relaxation. There are other tools for stimulating the vagus nerve too, and those are worth exploring over time.
Safety First, Then Relief
It can feel backwards. Your brain is shouting, “I need relief, I want the pain gone now.” But when your brain and body are stuck in fight or flight, focusing harder on getting out of pain can actually make it worse. Seeking calm and safety is what gives your nervous system room to settle.
This isn’t a quick fix, and it isn’t the only piece. But teaching your nervous system that it’s safe to relax is one of the most important steps you can take. It’s not about forcing the pain away. It’s about gently, consistently reminding your body that it’s okay to stand down.
