Can I tell you something pain did to me very subtly?
After living with pain for a while, I learned it wasn’t just changing my body. Over time, it was slowly disconnecting me from the things that used to make me feel alive. Eventually I started thinking, “I don’t even know what matters to me anymore.”
If pain has ever made your world feel smaller, or made you lose touch with the parts of your life that once felt meaningful, this one is for you.
Pain tries to separate us from our values, from the things that matter most. But intentionally reminding ourselves what’s most important can actually change the direction of our lives. And the surprising part is that, just like our strengths, those values haven’t disappeared. They’re just buried underneath survival mode.
When Life Becomes About Getting Through the Day
When pain becomes constant, life can slowly narrow down to one thing: getting through the day. Honestly, sometimes that’s all you can do.
I remember seasons where my whole focus was, “How bad is the pain going to get today? What do I need to cancel? How do I avoid a flare? How do I just survive?” When you live that way long enough, your life starts to feel very small.
Pain pulls attention toward symptoms, fears, and limitations. It pulls us toward protecting ourselves, detecting danger, watching for risk. That’s what survival mode does. And in survival mode, all of that makes sense. But it isn’t where people feel most alive.
Through my 21 years of unmanaged chronic pain, even when the pain didn’t reduce right away, focusing on what mattered to me genuinely helped.
What We Mean by Values
When we say values, we’re not talking about goals like “I’m going to eat better” or “I’m going to get more housework done.” We’re talking about the concepts that matter deeply to you.
Things like connection with others. Kindness. Faith. Creativity. Helping people. Learning. Compassion.
Values are the things that make you say, “This feels meaningful to me.” But pain can make us forget those parts of ourselves.
Sometimes people assume that if they can’t live exactly the way they used to, those parts of their life are gone. But values can still be lived. They might just look different.
The Conversation That Changed How I Saw My Life
A couple of years after my car accident, when I was basically lying down all day, I didn’t feel like I had any reason for still being here. I was wondering, “Why didn’t God just take me home? What is my purpose? I don’t understand.”
I met a woman at church who was visiting town, and she seemed very wise. I asked if she would be willing to come over and talk with me. When she came, I told her about my confusion, about lying down all day, about having two young children and not understanding what my purpose was anymore. I felt like I had no values left that I could really pursue.
About that time our daughter Alicia came over. She was three or four years old. She asked me a question, so I put her up in my lap, answered her for a minute, and she went on happily.
Sandra looked at me and said something powerful. She said, “Debbie, she’s one of the reasons you’re still here. You’re still able to be a powerful mom to her.” Then she pointed out something I’d never considered. Before the accident, I had been very busy volunteering and working with my church. She asked, “At that point, if your daughter had come to ask you a question, is it possible you might have been distracted by a lot of other things, and maybe didn’t have the time for her that you do now?”
That completely changed the way I looked at things. I had been thinking my value came entirely from the things I did. But I was still able to be a presence in my children’s lives.
The Value Stays, the Form Changes
One of my values is being present in the lives of others. For years, pain convinced me that I couldn’t contribute much anymore. But that wasn’t true. What changed was how I was able to contribute, not the value itself.
That’s such an important distinction. Pain may impact your values. It might change the form they take, or the pace, or the method of how they get expressed. But it doesn’t eliminate the value underneath. The meaning doesn’t go away.
Maybe you can’t do something the same way you once did. That value underneath is still very much alive. Realizing that gave me real hope.
Why Values Matter So Much With Pain
Here’s one reason values matter. Pain naturally pulls life toward avoidance. Pain says, “Don’t do that. Don’t move.” We avoid flares, we avoid disappointment, we avoid uncertainty, whether it’s uncertainty about today or about the long term. There’s so much fear that nothing will ever change.
All of that makes sense. But it doesn’t change your values. What it does is disconnect you temporarily from people, from meaningful things, from meaningful experiences.
Here’s a concept that’s hard to wrap your brain around: recovery isn’t only about reducing pain. Pain reduction might not even be the most important goal, because recovery is also about reconnecting with your life.
Instead of constantly asking “How do I make this pain stop?”, we can slowly start asking, “How do I build a meaningful life while navigating this pain?” That question can genuinely change the direction of your healing.
Something surprising: reconnecting with your values can actually soften your nervous system. Not because values magically cure pain, but because meaningful experiences bring connection, purpose, joy, and hope. And those things matter to your nervous system.
Pain focuses your attention toward threat. Values help focus your attention back toward life. That’s a profound shift.
When pain had become my whole focus, I felt worse, not just physically but emotionally. Pain management is so much more than treating physical symptoms. Your thoughts, emotions, fears, and expectations all feed into your pain and are influenced by it. Those meaningful moments reminded me there was still life here.
Two Questions to Ask This Week
Here’s something simple to try.
First, ask yourself: what still matters to me? Not what can I no longer do, but what still matters.
Then ask: is there one small way I can reconnect with that value? A profound baby step toward reconnecting.
If connection matters to you, maybe it’s sending a text to someone you love. When I made this shift, being present with people was so important to me, so I started asking what creative ways I could reach out. I began making homemade cards. People still talk to me about those cards today. Even though I was isolated from friends, I could stay in touch. I also started asking people, “How can I pray for you?” A lot of people are busy and don’t have much time to pray. I had a lot of time on my hands, so I started investing it.
For you it might be creating something small. Laughing. Learning something new. If humor is one of your values, watch more comedies or tell more jokes. All those small moments still count.
How to Discover Your Own Core Values
When Jim works with clients on discovering their personal values, he uses a list of about 50 core values compiled by James Clear, author of Atomic Habits.
Here’s the process:
Scan through the list once and check off the ones that strike you. Don’t overthink it. Just note the ones where you think, “Yes, I like that one.”
Then scan through a second time and prioritize. Cross off the ones that aren’t hitting you as strongly. You can also group related values into categories.
The goal is to narrow down to about four or five values or value categories that are really important to you.
Once you have them, consider how they might apply to your life right now. How are they currently being reflected in how you live?
Your Values Are Still There
If pain has made your world feel smaller, I understand. If pain has pulled you into survival mode much of the time, I understand that too.
But I want you to hear this. There are still things inside you that matter deeply. There are still parts of life worth reconnecting to. Your values are still there. They may have gotten quieter, or they may feel drowned out by exhaustion and pain, but they are not absent.
Sometimes healing begins not just by asking how to reduce pain, but by asking how to reconnect with what matters to you. And often, moving forward means very small moments, very small steps, toward what brings you meaning.
Small, meaningful moments still matter.
